I hope to have more moments like this.

Tomorrow isn’t just a new month, it’s a new life. And as excited as I am for my new chapter, I’d be lying if I didn’t also share that I’m terrified.

I’ve been a public relations professional for 16 years. I picked the profession because I loved writing and as a sophomore in college, I also loved the idea of being able to pay my bills. My passions were History and English. One of my favorite classes in all of college was Shakespeare. But, Public Relations appeared to be the happy medium that would make me both employable and fulfilled. And yes…the “employable” part was the most important.

It worked. I was enthusiastic and eager. And I did really well at my job for a really long time. But somewhere along the way the stress and sometimes anger, that I would feel in my day-to-day began to outweigh the satisfactions. My struggles became greater than my victories…not to say I suddenly stopped performing. I don’t do anything halfway…but I suddenly stopped enjoying my performance.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but it did. And I became miserable. And it translated into my being a miserable person.

It was compounded by the fact that I have had a great set-up. I make good money and I have a flexible schedule. I’m able to drop my kids off and pick them up each and every day at school. And if one of them is sick, I don’t have to take a vacation day, but just juggle my workload with their needs.

Watching people screaming for a job…any job; watching my friends employed full-time trying to balance it all…I felt GUILTY that I was miserable. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just suck it up? Everyone else seemed to be able to do it: Why. Not. Me?

But here’s why: I wasn’t pursuing my passion. And so even though I’ve had all those “benefits on paper,” I haven’t been leading the life God planned for me.

Sorry if that last sentence offends you. It’s okay if you aren’t spiritual, but I am. And this change has A LOT to do with believing in God’s purpose for me here on this earth. I spent more than one counseling session just trying to focus and listen to God’s guidance. And I know that my purpose here on earth is not public relations.

If you’re reading this sarcastically saying to yourself, “So God wants you to blog???” — I get it. And the answer is no, God didn’t tell me to blog…

…God told me to write.

…God told me to be true to myself.

…God told me to start living in perfect love rather than trying to be perfect.

I wish that I knew that the transition was going to be easy…I don’t.

I wish that I knew people would like my writing, this blog or the stories I am working on…I don’t.

But I do know that I’m trusting in something bigger than my own “perfectly mapped out plan for success” for the first time in a long time. And that feels great.

Much Love. H

(originally published on LifesETC.com 9/30/16)