I wasn’t 100 percent certain I wanted to be a mom. When most girls played house, I played “business.” I did not want to hold babies. I got mad whenever my mother would volunteer me to babysit a friend’s child…it wasn’t my wheelhouse.
But when I met my husband – I undeniably wanted to have his children.
But, what if…
So, I did what I always do. I devoured information on the subject in an effort to make the best decision possible.
I ordered two books: Do I Want to be A Mom? and The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother changes our lives and why no one talks about it.
Do I want to be a Mom? focused on the practical questions and “what if” outcomes. The Mask of Motherhood was a no-holes-barred terrifying account of deliveries, post-partum depression and the list goes on.
Suffice it to say that when I first picked up the books during the summer of 2004 – they put the brakes on, big time!
But in late 2005…when I started reading the scary Mask of Motherhood once again – I found myself saying “I don’t care…” I wanted to be a mom. I wanted it terribly bad. And God tested my resolve.
It took me more than two years to finally become pregnant.
Prior to “trying,” I gave up caffeine, alcohol and started eating hormone boosting foods to increase my fertility. Yes, I also bought a book about what to eat to have the healthiest pregnancy.
It did not work. Month after month, my Aunt Flo came for her visit. I started using daily fertility test strips and taking my temperature to optimize the chances of becoming pregnant. Sex transitioned from something fun to something more akin to a space shuttle launch.
I finally gave up – deciding that the years of playing “business” had been God’s way of telling me that I was not to be a mom. I started drinking soda, coffee and alcohol again. My New Year’s Resolution was to start having “fun” sex again – with no purpose other than to connect with my husband.
And then, it happened. I got drunk at my cousin’s wedding and a month later Aunt Flo did not visit. I was too terrified to take a test…too heartbroken from the years of consistent disappointment…but I finally mustered up the courage after a Hefeweizen beer (yes, you read that right – I DRANK A BEER THE NIGHT BEFORE I TOOK MY TEST).
And lo and behold…I…was…pregnant.
Seven weeks along based on the ultrasound. And I was thrilled!!!
Now, there’s been a lot of ups and downs since that first appointment when we could hear the baby’s (my son’s) heartbeat. That can’t be summarized in this blog.
But with my children now 8- and 5-years-old, there’s something I’ve realized was definitely “glazed over” in those books I ordered…the fact that I would need to relive all the crap I experienced growing up – this time through my children, whom I want to fiercely protect.
Oh sure, the books talked about it being a LIFELONG commitment…but I sort of forgot about all the angst I experienced growing up. Now that my kids are in school, I’m reliving it…through them.
My son has had “frenemies” since Kindergarten…yes, SON, boy. It’s not just limited to girls. I was hopeful maybe it’d switched to boys in the time I spent growing up…but nope, my daughter is dealing with “frenemies” now starting in kindergarten also.
I experienced “frenemies” all the way through high school and into college. It wasn’t until a life-changing event my sophomore year of college that I was finally able to cut the cord and eliminate those people from my life.
And that’s just the beginning…there’s the highs and lows of sports, academics, family and the list goes on. My rollercoaster now feels like a “choose your own adventure” novel that can veer wildly off the track based on what’s happening in my kids’ life.
I wish I’d known.
I still would have chosen motherhood – but I would have better prepared myself for it.
So, what am I doing? Once again devouring every book I can find for tips on how to help my children avoid a lifetime of people-pleasing behaviors while simultaneously not becoming the bully. I’m realizing how important modeling is. And I’m blown-away by the advice I’m reading in my Parenting with Love & Logic book.
Last night, I read a portion of the book that suggested something truly earth-shattering to me…having the person who talks to YOU about what YOUR CHILD did, talk to your child directly – so that the child can experience the consequence. I mean seriously – I’ve never thought of that. Have you? Isn’t it our job to be raising responsible, kind kids. The book says yes – but no…the only way to raise the responsible, kind kids is if they’re able to experience their life choice’s natural consequences vs. us taking that on.
And that’s what I do as a mom…take on their choices and consequences. My kid isn’t excelling in school – it’s a reflection on how hard I’m working with them at home. My kid isn’t getting along with others – it’s a reflection of how well I’ve socialized them during the toddler years. And the list goes on.
I know I’m not alone.
I wish I’d read this book when I read those other two. Because while deciding to be a mom was my first big decision, learning how to be a good mom – and not necessarily by mainstream society’s definition – will be my lifelong ambition.
What do you wish you’d known before becoming a mom?
Much Love, H
(originally published on LifesETC.com 1/19/17)